The Staffroom
by TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel
Summary: Professor Potter has an unusual DADA assistant. Sequel to 'The Waiting Room'. AU. Crack!fic. WIP. ON HOLD.
1. The DADA Assistant

**Title: The Staffroom**

**Author: TardisIsTheOnlyWaytoTravel**

**Pairings: None at present.**

**Story Summary:** ** Professor Potter has an unusual teaching assistant. Sequel to "The Waiting Room." I advise reading that first, although it's not really necessary, I guess. Basically Voldie is a spirit soul-bound to Harry.**

**Setting: AU. First year after Harry's graduation. Vaguely follows canon for books 1-5. **

**Author notes: **

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**THE STAFFROOM**

**CHAPTER ONE**

**THE DADA ASSISTANT**

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_"See that building over there?"_

_"Of course I do. I'm not blind."_

_"Take out your contacts and say that again."_

– Abandon _by _Batsutousai

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"This is going to be fun."

"It should be fairly amusing, at any rate. I can't wait to see the looks on their faces."

"What's this? Enjoying the terror of innocent children? My, how the mighty have fallen."

"It's not like you're going to hurt them. Besides, it'll be good for them to get some real experience of what a Dark Arts practitioner is like."

"Rationalisations, Potter. Before you know it you'll be sacrificing infants to the full moon and telling yourself it's fine because you left all the others alone."

Silence.

"Hah, I've got you there."

"Speaking from experience, were we?"

"Don't be absurd. I never sacrificed infants_ to _anything. I did it for the sheer joy of it."

More silence.

"Did anyone ever tell you that you're creepy?"

"Certainly. Myrtle Gillings did so frequently. I was delighted when she died."

Harry snorted, but didn't reply; he could hear the clattering and cheerful voices of students approaching. He stood just as the first years began filing in. He waited until they got settled, then smiled pleasantly.

"Good morning," he greeted them. "I am Professor Potter, and I will be teaching you Defence Against the Dark Arts."

Some of the students looked starry-eyed, others impressed; most of the Slytherins looked either wary or disgusted.

"Assisting me in my classes," Harry continued cheerfully, "will be a former Dark Arts practitioner. He will help me work out what you need to know, and exposing you to him will help you how to learn how to deal with Dark witches and wizards."

For a moment Harry's face was lit by a smirk of pure evil: the next moment a silvery figure walked through the blackboard and gazed around at them with a predatory smile, crimson eyes burning in his translucent face.

"Students," Voldemort hissed in pleasure, those red eyes burning into their souls. "How _delightful_."

Instant chaos. Students were screaming, pushing over desks, scrambling over one another in their efforts to escape the most evil wizard of all time. Several muggleborns were left sitting puzzled at all the fuss.

"So," Harry said happily, "let me introduce me assistant, none other than Lord Voldemort himself!"

The screaming redoubled, and now the muggleborns were joining their wizard-born classmates in fleeing to the back of the room. (Harry had magically locked the door earlier.) Voldemort watched gleefully, while a vastly amused Harry leant against the wall and waited for them to settle.

"You would think," he murmured, "that the fact that you are a ghost, and I am present, would calm them down a little."

"My reputation proceeds me," Voldemort said proudly, and perhaps a little smugly. "The Boy Who Lived is nothing next to the awesome powers of the Dark Lord Voldemort!"

"Whatever you think, Tom."

"Don't call me Tom!"

One of the Slytherin students tentatively raised a hand.

"Are you really the Dark Lord?" she asked cautiously. Voldemort looked affronted. (At one point this question would have enraged him, but a simmer of living with Harry had raised his tolerance for insulting remarks.) He gave a regal nod and a hissed "yes" that bordered on Parrseltongue.

"Then why," and she jabbed her thumb at Harry, "are you hanging around with_ him_?"

Both wizards winced.

"My natural charm," Harry said evasively. Voldemort turned to glare at him.

"You stole my line!"

"And you stole my wand to curse Albus's sherbet lemons," Harry shot back, "so we're even."

The Slytherin girl skittered backwards.

"He can still use magic?" she squeaked. "But he's a _ghost!_"

"Only if he uses my wand," Harry assured her, "and I only lend it to him occasionally."

"Mind you, I steal it all the time," Voldemort added brightly. Harry glared at him.

"Stop undermining my authority."

"What authority? Oh, sure, you're Lord–"

"_Shush!_"

" – Someone, and the Boy Who Lived, certainly, but that doesn't give you any _authority_, just celebrity and wealth."

"As a _teacher_."

"You have about as much authority as a teacher as _Quirrel._"

Harry glared. Voldemort gave him most irritating smirk.

"You're incorrigible."

"And you're a hopeless Gryffindor. What else is new?"

With great dignity Harry turned back to the class and began to teach.

**oo o0o oo**

That evening Harry slouched into the staffroom and collapsed into an armchair, one arm flung over his face. His constant companion followed, grinning evilly.

"Bad day?" Filius asked sympathetically. The other teachers turned to listen.

Harry jerked a thumb in Voldemort's direction without bothering to open his eyes.

"Tommy-boy here –"

"Don't call me Tom!"

" – not only proved a wonderful obstructionist every time I tried to teach and distracted the class by scaring the bejesus out of them all, but a: set several snakes on my third years; b: tried to _crucio_ some Gryffindor idiot who insulted him all lesson, which ended in my wrestling him to the floor to get my wand back while a bunch of Slytherins cheered him on; c: during my free period he first stole my wand and cursed several students in Parseltongue which meant that I had to track them all down to reverse the spells, and followed this up by visiting Hagrid's class and giving them detailed instructions on how to hatch and raise their own personal basilisks. He even taught them how to say 'don't eat me' in Parseltongue."

"Their accents were terrible," Voldemort noted, "and that Trilby boy kept hissing too vehemently on the second syllable and ended up inadvertently making a rather unsuitable request."

Harry turned faintly green at the memory. Some of the staff couldn't help but wonder exactly what it was that Adrian Trilby had said...

"He also hexed my sherbet lemons," added an unhappy voice. Several people snorted at the sight of Albus standing in the doorway, writhing snakes replacing his beard and hair. Harry saw Snape quietly snicker into his coffee.

"Didn't I tell you?" Harry asked, looking innocently dismayed. "It must have slipped my mind."

Voldemort ruined his act by smirking broadly.

"Of course," Albus agreed dryly. "You wouldn't have decided to keep it to yourself for your own amusement."

Harry looked hurt.

"I'm a Gryffindor," he chided the headmaster gently.

Albus huffed.

"I _know_ what the Hat told you, Harry. You're about as Gryffindor as Severus."

Both Harry and Snape looked insulted, for entirely different reasons.

"You're wrong there, old man," Voldemort sneered. "Those imbeciles have corrupted him. He's only half a Slytherin now." He shook his head disgustedly.

Harry looked sheepish and rather uncomfortable as several pairs of eyes stared at him in astonishment.

"Anyway," he changed the subject loudly, "if that was just what it was like on the first day, I hate to see what happens next."

Voldemort's eyes gleamed.

**oo o0o oo**

Severus was distracted from his work by the sound of singing, growing steadily nearer. Cursing, he left the potion he was working on to find out who was idiotic enough to be singing near his lab. A group of Slytherin first years were marching, two-by-two, all singing as they went.

"We're the Slytherins and we rule

Don't you know we rule the school!

We are cunning and we're mean

Yeah we're the best there's ever been!"

"_Sound off!_" Barked a student up front.

"One, two!"

"_Sound off!_"

"Three, four!"

"_Sound off!_"

"One two, three four!"

"What," Severus asked in his most deceptively mild voice, "are you doing?"

All six students saluted.

"David Ollivander, leader of Squad One _SIR!_" replied the leader smartly. "Patrolling Slytherin territories one-to-two against Slytherin invaders _SIR!_"

"And who," Severus asked slowly, "put you up to that?"

"Lord He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, _SIR!_"

The students saluted again.

_It's times like this,_ Severus thought, _that I really wish that I was allowed to curse some sense into them..._

"Cease the singing," he said aloud. "It makes it difficult for me to concentrate."

"_Sir_ yes _SIR!_" Ollivander saluted. We'll move back into territory two then, sir. ABOUT _TURN!_"

At his bellow the students turned ninety degrees. "AND _AGAIN!_" Another ninety-degree turn. "FORWARD _MARCH!_"

They headed back the way they had come, beginning to sing again.

"_I don't know but I've been told_

_Dumbledore is mighty old_

_I don't know but it's been said_

_So we follow the Dark Lord instead!_"

Snape returned to his office to faint shouts of "_one two, three four!_" privately resolving to have a chat with Potter and his personal nuisance.

It was Minerva McGonagall who next encountered Hogwarts' makeshift army. She was on her way to lunch when she turned a corner to see a group of six first-year Gryffindors, marching in time and singing a rather pointless song.

"Now we sing this stupid song!

Sing it as we go along!

Why we sing it we don't know

Our theory is it helps us go!"

Minerva interrupted before they could get any further.

"What are you doing?" she asked sternly. Kaia Diggory saluted.

"We're part of the Hogwarts Regiment, professor!" she said brightly. "Gryffindor Division, Squad Two!"

"Dedicated to protecting the school and beating those Slytherin norks!" added Jason Bourne.

"Language, Mr Bourne!" Minerva said sharply. She wasn't sure exactly what a 'nork' was, but she was fairly certain that it wasn't the sort of word that a student should be using.

"Sorry, professor."

"Whose idea was this, 'Hogwarts Regiment?'" Minerva asked.

"Professor Potter's!" they replied in unison. It figured.

"Well, you'd best be off to lunch," Minerva said briskly. "Off you go now."

The students waited until they were out of earshot to begin singing their next song.

"_I don't know but I've been told_

_Voldie's bits are made of mould!_

_I don't know but it's been said_

_Professor Potter's best in bed!_"

They doubted that Professor Potter would approve of it, but Ginny Weasley's version was much more fun to sing.

Minerva stormed into Harry's office. Sure enough Harry was there, along with his evil sidekick.

"Minerva?" Harry asked in surprise.

"Why are the first years convinced that they're part of an army?" she demanded.

Instantly Harry's eyes were alight with guilty laughter, but he answered seriously.

"It's a community-building exercise that encourages students to be more alert, to observe the rules, and to develop good Defence skills," Harry replied. "So far there's a Slytherin Division and a Gryffindor Division. We meet once a week to play games and practice duelling. It's been a hit so far."

Minerva glared at him, unconvinced.

"You had best not endanger them, Harry," she warned, "or you _will_ be in trouble."

"Yes Minerva," Harry agreed meekly.

"_Wimp_," Voldemort hissed in Harry's ear.

"Shut up, Tom."

"_Don't call me Tom!_"

In the end both Minerva and Severus accepted the Hogwarts Regiment, as did Filius and Pomona once it was expanded to include the Ravenclaws and the Hufflepuffs. It worked quite well, encouraging unity within House and year groups, and the weekly meetings were enjoyed by all. The teachers couldn't help thinking, though, that Harry had some kind of ulterior motive for it. As for Albus, well, he believed that Harry and Voldemort had become partners in crime. These days it was hard to tell who was worse, Peeves or those two. Albus darkly suspected that they'd be as bad as the Weasley twins in the end. He feared what kind of example they were setting for the students.

As for Voldemort and Harry, it was doubtful that they'd ever enjoyed themselves more.

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**AN:**

**The last song is based on one by another fanfic author, whose name I will have to look up. The fic it comes from is rather good. I will get back to you on that. The second-last one is an adaptation of a song written by Terry Pratchett. In the book it is sung by Sergeant Detritus and the Watch recruits. The others are entirely original.**

**On to chapter two!**


	2. A Little Romance In the Air

**Title: The Staffroom**

**Author: TardisIsTheOnlyWaytoTravel**

**Pairings: Some Harry/Ginny.**

**Story Summary:** ** Professor Potter has an unusual teaching assistant. Sequel to "The Waiting Room." I advise reading that first, although it's not really necessary, I guess. Basically Voldie is a spirit soul-bound to Harry.**

**Setting: AU. First year after Harry's graduation. Vaguely follows canon for books 1-5. **

**Author notes: **

_Lilith Kayden, I am afraid I wrote this before reading your review, but be assured that I will take it into account for later chapters. Slick, thanks for the typo-spotting… I'll correct those soon. I appreciate it when people point them out. :) _

**THE STAFFROOM**

**CHAPTER TWO**

**A LITTLE ROMANCE IN THE AIR**

"_Seduction isn't making someone do what they don't want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already."_

Waiter Rant

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One of Azrael's neatest tricks, if it said so itself, was its ability to exist in several places at once. So it was that even as it manifested as a teenage girl in the Waiting Room and as the Reaper in several places on Earth, it was able to attend a meeting of several Powers in a place that did not quite, technically, exist.

Fate looked up as it entered.

"Inform us of the situation," she said. She had manifested as a thirty-something woman with thick, fiery locks. Green-in-green eyes met Azrael's pale ones. He seated himself, folding the great black wings and leaning his scythe against the table. Destiny was there too, blonde and beautiful as a spring maiden, while Luck sat at the far end with his hair falling in his black endless eyes. The Power whose presence took Azrael by surprise was Magic. His surprise must have been evident, because she glared at him with glowing gold eyes and extended one swirling finger in admonition.

"I have a right to watch over my own," she scolded. It sounded like several voices speaking in unison. Azrael blinked as she disintegrated into a swirling, glowing cloud of _something_ before resolving human shape once more.

"Of course," fate soothed. "He is one of your Chosen, is he not?"

"And the other," Magic confirmed. Azrael cleared his throat.

"He is under my patronage also," he announced. The Powers stared. "I had to make him so in order to ensure your plans, Fate, Destiny."

He hadn't been very happy about it, either, but had Harry died…

"And what of the Serpent?" Maigc demanded.

"He exists in spirit form, bound to the Emerald Soul, who is now alive and well. I understand that he now teaches schoolchildren thy art, Magic."

"Very good," Fate approved. "His fate will be carried out all the more easily."

"And he can advance my cause, while the Serpent continues to influence the world without being able to damage it further," Magic agreed. "Well thought of, Azrael. You have planned for their next lives?"

"Indeed he has," Fate said. "They have began to appear in my weavings."

"The boy has fulfilled his task as far as I am concerned," Destiny shrugged. "I'll leave him up to you. His destiny is his own to write now."

Luck smiled his enigmatic smile.

"I'll undo all your plans," he said placidly. "I always do. The Emerald Soul will continue to live, yes," and he inclined his head in Azrael's direction," but otherwise his future is uncertain. The Serpent's life shall produce some surprises also. They must be allowed to make choices of their own, you know."

Fate scowled. When Luck found a Chosen, nothing went as it should. He delighted in unravelling and diverting things. Destiny was glad she no longer had a claim on the boy.

"Chosen of two Powers, under the patronage of another, and a Pattern in Fate's Weaving," Azrael observed. "He _is _in for a peculiar life."

He stood.

"If that is all, I have work to do."

Magic frowned and followed Luck as he left. They needed to have a chat.

**Oo o0o oo**

Harry smiled in reply to the many hellos he received as he entered the Gryffindor common room, before wandering over to where Ginny Weasley sat doing her homework. He leant over to smile brightly into her face.

"Hi, Gin."

Ginny blinked and looked up.

"Hi, Harry," she replied cheerfully.

"Ginny," he asked, still brightly, "you wouldn't happen to know about some rather unsuitable songs the Gryffindor Division have been singing about me lately, would you?"

"Unsuitable songs?" Ginny repeated innocently, brow crinkling in puzzlement.

"Yes," Harry agreed. He turned to the three Gryffindor first years that had entered behind him. "Girls, could you please sing the song that you were singing when I ran into you just now?"

Giggling, the girls did so.

"Harry Potter is a hero, Harry Potter is a hunk!

An H-U-N-K, H-U-N-K, H-U-N-K and a _spunk!_"

"Thank you," Harry interrupted. Amid the grins and laughter he turned back to Ginny and raised an eyebrow pointedly.

Ginny blushed.

"Oh, those songs."

"Yes, those songs," Harry agreed.

"Well, I may have taught the first-years a few of them," Ginny admitted.

"Including the one that claims I'm best in bed?"

"Yes, that sounds like one of mine," Ginny agreed.

"Ginny, why would you do that?"

She sent him a sly, sideways glance.

"Perhaps it was my subtle way of letting you know how I feel about you."

"Oh." Harry was nonplussed. He eyed her carefully. "Ginny, teachers aren't _allowed_ to date students."

Ginny looked at him hopefully. Had that been regret in his voice?

"So what?" demanded a new voice. Ginny jumped; she hadn't realised that Voldemort had come up behind her. Harry, of course, had felt his presence through their link, and so merely looked resigned.

"So _what_?" the Dark Lord said again. "Bonk her anyway."

Harry scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment, carefully not looking in Ginny's direction.

"I mean, you need to get laid," Voldemort continued, oblivious to his growing audience, "and –"

"_Silencio_."

Voldemort sent Harry a look of great indignation, mouthed some expletives, and settled nearby in a sulk.

"Although," and Harry pretended that the Dark Lord hadn't said a thing, "if you were willing to wait a year…" he trailed off uncertainly.

Ginny took his face in her hands and turned his head to stare into his eyes.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Ginny leaned forward and snogged him.

Students cheered and whistled as she released him, leaving him visibly dazed and confused.

"_Ginny!_" Harry was flustered. "You can't kiss _professors!_ Fifty points from – from – from whatever house this is!" He stalked off, very red, walked into a chair, and climbed out through the portrait hole without further incident, although he did trip on the stairs a minute later.

"Fifty points!" One of the third years was aghast.

"It was worth it," Ginny grinned.

**Oo o0o oo**

"I don't know why I'm letting you teach me this."

"Pure curiosity."

"I'll be in terrible trouble with Albus if he finds out."

"Forget Dumbledore, you'll be dealing with _Dementors_ if this gets out."

"I think it must be that I'm naturally stupid."

"No arguments there."

"Because why else," Harry continued, still not listening, "would I be in the Chamber of Secrets, with you, learning how to cast Unforgivables and Dark spells?"

"And Parseltongue spells, don't forget Parseltongue spells."

Harry blinked and turned to look at his companion.

"Did you say something?"

"Not a word," Voldemort assured him. "Let's get started."

The veneer of civility that he had cultivated over the last few months suddenly dropped, leaving the Dark Lord in all his cruel glory, red eyes pitiless and mouth twisted into a terrible wicked smile.

Voldemort twirled Harry's wand between his fingers as he looked at Harry ruminatively. Harry straightened, eyes becoming hard emeralds, suddenly becoming a person you wouldn't want to mess with.

"Well," Voldemort began softly, "let us begin, my young serpent."

Some time later Harry dragged himself into the staffroom for a nice cup of tea, feeling quite exhausted. A slight aura of darkness lingered around him, leeching away at his usual friendly aura.

Albus saw it and frowned.

"Harry ,what have you been doing?"

Harry looked up guiltily.

"Nussing, Albusss," he replied, forcing his face to look trustworthy. Unfortunately, he had the slightly-hissing lisp of someone who has been speaking nothing but Parseltongue for too long. "I sswear, I wass doing nussing, Albusss."

"You've been speaking Parseltongue, haven't you?"

"No."

"Harry…"

Albus stared at him.

"…Yesss." Harry gave in. Those eyes were far too blue and too cold. "Alwight, fine, I wass learning Parselmagic. Watch," he added gleefully.

Aiming his wand at Snape, immersed in the Potion Masters Guild's bi-annual journal, Harry let out a hiss.

The staff cracked up as the hiss proved to be a depilation spell.

"**POTTER!**"

Harry ran for it, pursued by Snape, whose head was now as smooth and shiny as an egg, his robes covered in all the hair that had just fallen out.

The teachers continued to laugh helplessly as Dumbledore directed a house elf to clean up the trail of loose hair that Severus had left in his wake.

Voldemort happily walked through the wall opposite the headmaster and seated himself.

"I'm so proud of that boy. I've rarely seen that spell used so well."

Albus regarded him dubiously.

"Will I be required to put my Potions Master back together?"

"No," Voldemort said serenely, finishing off Harry's tea to the mystification of all around him, "just free him from several ropes, chains and restraints, get rid of the blue ink and turn him back into a man."

"Very good," Albus said, just as serenely. They clinked teacups.

**Oo o0o oo**

"Harry, my boy! You made it to supper! And almost intact! Excellent! I was afraid that Severus's revenge had caught up with you by now."

"Oh, it has," Harry agreed cheerfully, apparently unbothered by the black eye he was now sporting, "but I avoided the worst of it. The hex for women's undergarments got me, though."

There was a short silence as everyone wondered exactly what Harry was wearing under his robes.

"I visited Fred and George and they told me how to get rid of it," he added, correctly interpreting their expressions. "I probably ought to apologise, I suppose. Do you think that if I gave him some basilisk venom he'd stop trying to kill me?"

More silence.

"I think so," Dumbledore said faintly. "Harry, _why_ do you have basilisk venom?"

"Oh," Harry shrugged, "I salvaged it a couple years back from the basilisk I killed in second year, thought it might be useful. Damn stuff spilled and burnt a hole in the common room carpet when I was putting it into proper vials afterwards."

Everyone blanched. Minerva resolved to incinerate the Gryffindor common room's carpet and have the floor scoured at the first opportunity before someone stepped on the wrong bit and died a dramatic death.

Sudden titters spread among the students. The staff looked around to see Snape enter in a carefully dignified stalk, hair restored.

"I must offer you my apologies, Professor Snape," Harry said formally as the man sat down. "Upon reflection I find that my actions were inappropriate. As a token of my sincerity I would like to offer you a couple of vials of basilisk venom."

Snape, about to sneer and mercilessly reject Harry's apology, froze at the phrase 'basilisk venom.' He stared at Harry's careful look of contrition. The observers were amused to see him visibly battling himself over whether to scorn the apology, and miss out on an priceless potions ingredient, or swallow his hostility and become the proud new owner of basilisk venom.

The potions instincts won.

"Fine," Snape growled ungraciously.

"I'm so glad you can put this incident behind you, Severus," Albus beamed, "it takes a noble heart to forgive others when we have been humiliated. I'm proud of you, my boy."

Harry hid a grin behind a pumpkin juice at Snape's disgruntled expression.

**Oo o0o oo**

Tuesday afternoon Harry had his favourite class, the seventh year defence students. This class was his favourite largely because Ginny always attended it with her skirt hiked up and the top buttons of her blouse undone, in an attempt to weaken Harry's resolve not to date her until after she graduated. It never worked – Harry was as stubborn as a pig – but every Tuesday Harry spent a happy hour and a half getting a tantalising eyeful of Ginny's assets.

This particular afternoon, however, Ginny walked in quite demurely dressed. Harry was dismayed, but began the lesson without betraying that he'd noticed. Halfway through it, however, Ginny reached up and slowly began undoing the top button of her shirt.

" – and so to counteract it, you need to" – Harry noticed the second button slowly being undone – "to, um, to –"

By now his gaze was riveted on what was slowly becoming visible, and his speech stuttered to a halt. Oblivious to his surroundings, Harry gazed unblinkingly at Ginny's chest, conscious thought on vacation – until with a sudden cheeky wink she briskly did all the buttons up again.

Blinking, Harry recalled that he was supposed to be teaching a class, and sweating profusely excused himself from the room with an incoherent mumble.

A moment later Ginny left the classroom as well.

Harry rested his forehead against the cool stone, unsuccessfully trying to rid himself of the image burned into his brain.

"You seem agitated, Harry."

Harry whirled to see Ginny standing there, a small smile on her lips.

"Merlin, woman, have you no shame?" he exclaimed. The next moment he was kissing her passionately.

After watching unnoticed for a minute or so, Voldemort unobtrusively strolled away to inform the teachers participating in the betting pool that Albus Dumbledore had won yet again.

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**AN:**

**The "Harry! You made it! And almost intact! Excellent!" was adapted (read: pretty much stolen) from "Time to Prepare" by Potterphile78. _("Ah, Harry. So glad to see you made it today. And nearly intact, as well! Excellent!")_**

**The story from which I adapted the jody in the last chapter was "Harry Potter and the Spiritus Crystalus," by Bobmin 356.**

**The Parselmagic will make further appearances, as will the Harry/Ginny relationship. So will the basilisk venom.**

**Next chapter: Whatever happened to Nagini and the surviving Death Eaters? Harry and Voldie find out when Halloween rolls around…**


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